


Swim Until You Can't See Land

by FrightenedofRabbits



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abuse, Aftermath of gay conversion therapy, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Child Abuse, College, Depression, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gay Castiel (Supernatural), Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Religion, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts, gay conversion therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:54:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27484570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrightenedofRabbits/pseuds/FrightenedofRabbits
Summary: Castiel Novak had a near perfect life. He was loved and respected by both his family and his community. In the summer before he is supposed to go off to a small Christian University where he had plans to study theology, his worst secret is found out and it interrupts the course of his life. Now he's starting college a semester late and going to a different school than he'd imagined. In this secular environment his faith is tested as well as his resolve to stay on the path of righteousness his parents expect of him.
Relationships: Castiel (Supernatural)/Original Male Character(s), Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 16
Kudos: 59





	1. Jeremiah 1:19

**Author's Note:**

> Castiel's P.O.V.
> 
> CW: Homophobia, internalized homophobia, religious-based homophobia. 
> 
> Be safe and take care.

Castiel looked around the small square brick room that was now his. The walls were devoid of any decoration save for the wooden cross his father had fixed to the wall above his bed before leaving. The only furniture in the room was the small single bed, a simple wooden desk and chair, and a dresser for his clothes. On the floor beside him where he stood was his suitcase, which held all of his belongings. The only other bag he had brought with him was his backpack which held his few textbooks. He was at college, about to start on a four year journey, something that he had been so excited about for a long time. 

However, now he held none of the excitement of before. Now he felt listless as he stood idly in the middle of his new dorm room, he felt alone. He missed his little brother Gabriel and his little sister Anna. He missed his mom, her warm embrace and her soft, sweet smile which only ever seemed to offer comfort. Now she didn’t want to come and drop him off at college, she could barely even look at him. Not after the shame he’d brought to the family. 

Castiel’s ears were still ringing with his father’s last words to him before he abandoned him in the small brick room. “Remember Jeremiah 1:19, Castiel. In times of hardship remember those words and let them guide you and keep you on the path of righteousness.” 

Castiel’s mind now went back to his father’s words, recalling the verse his father left him with. The Lord declared, “They will fight against you, but they will not overcome you, for I am with you to deliver you.” Castiel’s mind ran as he fixated on what those words meant for his life, the nature of his trespasses, and what he had to do to remedy the course of his life and restore his honor in the eyes of God--God and his parents. 

Castiel easily could have gotten lost in his thoughts, allowing the hours to pass by as he stood idle, staring at the wall thinking of his sins. But his internal monologue chided him with a reminder about the sin of sloth and he forced himself to pick up his suitcase and set to work unpacking his belongings. Once his clothes were neatly folded and placed into the dresser and his suitcase was shoved aside under his bed, he realized only a few minutes had passed. He didn’t have much with him. Next, he set to work making his bed with the plain white linens his mom had bought for him, the only real indication she gave that he would soon be gone. 

Once his room was in order and there was nothing left to be done, Castiel decided that he would go for a run, unwilling to pass any more time alone in his small dorm room. Before he could leave, he needed to change into his workout clothes. He grabbed his black running shorts and matching black t-shirt from his dresser and walked to the attached bathroom, which he shared with one other person in the room on the other side. There was a mirror above the sink and another full length mirror on the back of the door. Castiel took careful action to keep his eyes averted from the mirror, he had no desire to see himself. He made quick work of changing his clothes and rushed out of the bathroom, taking care to unlock the other room’s bathroom door before leaving back into his own room. 

Castiel felt a brief moment of relief as he stepped out into the warming spring air and set off running. He had a mental map of campus in his mind from the quick tour he’d been given earlier by a kind campus tour guide. He recalled the direction of the gym and decided to run towards there, thinking he might inquire about getting a membership. The campus wasn’t very large, it boasted a small student body of about 3,500 and an emphasis on the liberal arts but also an appreciation for STEM. This was a concession school for Castiel. The small private religious school he’d been wanting to apply to was no longer an option for him. His father told him he should be grateful to get to continue his education at all. Being allowed to come here was an exercise in trust and he knew he couldn’t fail again. 

It was only about a half mile to the large red brick building that held the gym. Castiel let himself inside and looked around the small lobby, a young blonde woman sat at the front desk and smiled when she saw him staring. 

“Hello there, are you new?”

Castiel nodded his head to affirm her question but didn’t speak. 

“Are you interested in purchasing a gym membership?” She asked him in a still cheery voice. 

Castiel nodded again. 

“Alright, so it’s fifty dollars per semester or forty dollars if you are an on-campus student. If you’re a student here I’ll just need to see your student ID to confirm it.”

Castiel reached into his pocket, grateful that he’d remembered to bring his wallet with him. He pulled out the brand new student ID, where a quickly taken, poor quality photo of him stared him back. He approached the desk closer so he could hand over his ID. The woman took it and stared down at his name, taking time to type it into the computer. 

“Castiel? That’s a unique name, I like it.”

The woman’s compliment made Castiel feel weird, but then he found himself speaking for what felt like the first time in hours. His deep voice was quiet as he spoke. 

“It’s from the bible, I’m named after an angel--the angel of Thursday.”

The woman smiled as she held the card back out for Castiel to take. 

“The angel of Thursday, that’s really cool. I’ve never heard it before.” She paused for a moment before continuing. “You’re all set, the money will be billed to your account and you can pay it online. You just need to have your ID on you and you can swipe it at the door to get into the main gym, the pool, and any of the courts.”

“Thank you,” Castiel said with a small smile and a nod before he walked past the front desk and down the short hallway to the door that led into the main part of the exercise room. The first door in the hallway led into a large room with high ceilings that had all kinds of exercise equipment. The room was full of students, people lifting weights in the corner, a long line of people were running on treadmills in front of a wall of windows overlooking the river that ran next to the campus. 

Castiel was a little overwhelmed by the number of people. He was startled to see how many men exercised shirtless, he could see the sweat running down the chest of the man near him, the muscles on his arm rippling as he lifted a weight. Castiel struggled to avert his eyes from the site and he immediately felt his legs take charge and carry him out of the room, back through the lobby, and out into what was now the darkening evening. 

Not wanting to think, Castiel took off into the night. Running so fast that his only thoughts were on the steadiness of his breath and the sound of his feet hitting the pavement below him. His feet carried him all the way across campus and then he found himself wandering into the nearby neighborhoods, where modestly nice homes sat, nestled into comfortable suburbia. The street lights began to come on as time passed and Castiel began to realize he should probably make his way back to his dorm room. He had his first day of classes in the morning and he knew he should be responsible and get to bed at a decent hour. 

He then began to retrace his steps, making his way back to campus, past the gym, and finally to his dorm room. Immediately upon returning to his room he checked to see if the bathroom was available as he was desperately in need of a shower after such a long run. He threw off his clothes and stepped into the shower before it had even fully warmed, he was in a hurry to get it over with. He lathered his hair with the three-in-one shampoo-conditioner-body wash and let the suds run down his body. He took care to scrub at his chest and his armpits, but altogether avoided touching anything south of the border, instead he let the suds running down his body do all the work. In just a minute he was finished rinsing and back in his room to dry off, safe and away from the mirrors. 

He hurried into his plaid pajama pants and a plain grey shirt. After he was dressed he towel dried his messy brown hair a little so it wouldn’t be too damp for bed, otherwise he let it air dry the rest of the way. He stepped back in the bathroom only to brush his teeth, but did so in the dark so he wouldn’t have to stare back at himself. Finally, he slid himself under the plain grey comforter on his bed and settled in for the night. As he lay there his stomach growled at him, it was then that he remembered he hadn’t eaten anything since the granola bar he’d had that morning before leaving home. He promised himself that he’d wake up early to get breakfast at the dining hall in the morning. 

The only light in the room was the dim glow of the red numbers from his alarm clock beside him. In the dark Castiel let his mind wander to thoughts of what tomorrow would bring. He’d been excited to attend college for so many years and now he was finally here. But it wasn’t the experience he thought he would be having. He didn’t think he would be starting college a semester late and going to a school where he didn’t know a single other person. But here he was, circumstances had changed and this is where he had ended up. His heart panged with sorrow and his mind raced but he squashed down any feelings of sadness before they could fully manifest. He didn’t deserve these feelings. He deserved to be where he was. His father’s words echoed in his mind, he knew he should be grateful to be here at all considering what he had done. Considering the shame he’d brought upon his family. 

Maybe a single tear escaped from his shut eyes as he lay in the dark of his dorm room the night before his first day of classes. But he shut it down before it could turn into the flood that threatened to overflow. There could be no more tears. He had only one way forward and that was to succeed. He would lay low, get good grades, and prove to his family that he had really changed. He longed for nothing more than to be able to look into his mother’s eyes and see pride reflected back at him. He needed his mom to be proud of him again. He needed his father not to look at him with shame and thinly veiled disgust. It was simple and Castiel knew it. All he had to do was prove to them that his same-sex attraction had been a misguided foray into the temptations of the devil. But he was better now and he would prove it to them. He would prove it to himself.


	2. Then Do It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Castiel's P.O.V.
> 
> CW: Brief mentions of religious-based homophobia.
> 
> Be safe and take care.

Church was Castiel’s favorite place to be. It was home, it was sanctuary, it’s where many of his happiest memories were. The red brick church in which he’d grown up wasn’t very large, but the congregation was tight knit and passionate about their faith. His father, Charles, was the preacher and Castiel loved nothing more than getting to sit in the front row and watch his father’s sermons every Sunday. The passion and warmth with which he spoke of God’s love for man never ceased to inspire him. Castiel had known since he was just a little boy that he wanted to be just like his father when he grew up, he wanted to be a preacher and share God’s message with others. 

As Castiel grew older people would comment to him how alike his father he was, how he would make a great preacher someday. He was kind, charismatic, and had a sense of humor and openness that drew people to him. All the younger kids in the church looked up to him and always begged him to play with them after church was over, and Castiel was always happy to chase them around the side yard of the church, playing tag and laughing. The older ladies of the congregation were always doting on him, forcing second helpings of food on his plate during church dinners and frequently offering up comments about how handsome he was, which never failed to make Castiel blush. 

There weren’t many other kids near his age in the congregation besides a few girls that were a year or two younger than him. He was always kind to them but they were just a little too immature to ever interest him romantically. Castiel was nearing eighteen, he had only a few months until he would be leaving for college and following his dreams of studying theology to prepare for his future as a preacher. He’d always been an excellent student throughout his years of homeschooling; he had always been ahead of grade level in reading and mathematics. Girls just didn’t really interest him because he was so focused on his studies and he had a lot of ambition for his future. There was no time to think of dating. 

It was the spring of the year when a new family moved to town. This was big news because their small town seldom ever received any new inhabitants. It was even more exciting when that following Sunday the family showed up at their church, there was a special buzz in the air that day as everyone got to know the new family. Most intriguing to Castiel was that the family had a boy exactly the same age as him named Thomas. Castiel was thrilled to have someone his age to get to know and made quick work of introducing himself that first morning. 

“Hello,” Castiel spoke as he approached Thomas and held out his hand. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, I hope you’re feeling welcomed to our Church.”

Thomas smiled as their hands met. “I am, thank you. It’s a pretty nice place here.”

Castiel couldn’t help but smile at the other boy’s words. “It is a nice place to live, but I’ve also never lived anywhere else,” Castiel admitted with a small laugh. “Where did you guys move from?”

Thomas began to tell him about his childhood in Wichita, but how his father had gotten a new job that had brought the family to Lawrence. Thomas had bright blue eyes that Castiel noticed right away, they were wide and expressed a convivial nature that drew him further in. Castiel was taken by the way the dimples on his cheeks came out when he smiled, subconsciously it made Castiel want to go out of his way to make the other boy smile more. 

Being homeschooled for most of his life Castiel had few friends outside of his own family and larger church community. Most of his closest friends he only saw once a year when he went away to church camp for six weeks every summer. It was new to him in some regards to form a connection with someone so quickly. Castiel began to look forward to church because it meant he could sit in the back row with Thomas and trade stories and jokes. Castiel abandoned his spot in the first pew with the rest of his family, but his parents didn’t mind because they were happy for Castiel to make a new acquaintance. 

They had been friends for a few weeks, when Thomas invited Castiel over to his house for the night. Castiel hadn’t been sure his parents would allow him to go, but because they went to the same church and their parents knew one another he was allowed. Castiel had never slept over at someone else’s house before. While he had similar experiences sharing a cabin with his friends at summer camp this was something different. Castiel felt a little silly at one point for being so excited about a sleepover at his age, but because the experience was new to him he just couldn’t help it. 

Their first sleepover they pitched a tent in the field behind Thomas’ house, he lived on a large sprawling piece of land that had a small creek a short distance behind the house. They spent the day goofing around in the creek, laughing, talking about life. It felt good to get to be a stupid teenager for once, Castiel often couldn’t help but take on responsibility in life and he was prone to seriousness sometimes. But something about being with Thomas made him feel free, being with him made the laughter come easier. There was an ease between them that led Castiel to think that this must be what it feels like to have a best friend, it was just a natural and almost immediate connection. 

Castiel began to realize he was kind of sheltered compared to Thomas. Thomas attended public school and watched a lot of TV. Castiel’s parents would only let him watch a few pre-approved shows and never very much, he was often encouraged to read instead. Castiel spent much of his time reading and trying to memorize scripture. But Thomas was allowed to listen to secular music and the two shared headphones frequently as Thomas began to educate Castiel about rock, hip hop, and rap. Castiel had mixed emotions about some of the music but he loved the way Thomas got so into it. When he really enjoyed a song he would close his eyes and mouth along to the words. 

Castiel found himself thinking about Thomas all the time. When they were apart he would think about what Thomas must be doing. And then Castiel was given his first cell phone as a present from his parents for his birthday, since he would be leaving for college in a few months they thought he was old enough to have one. Then, Castiel and Thomas were able to text, and Castiel was grateful for the endless amount of tech support Thomas offered. Thomas would text Castiel from school throughout the day, sending selfies from the cafeteria and from gym class. In a way Castiel became envious about all there was to do in public school. 

Castiel hadn’t realized anything strange about their relationship until one fateful Saturday night when he was, yet again, over at Thomas’ house. Thomas was forcing him to watch the movie Forest Gump, which Castiel thought was good but he was fairly certain his parents would not have approved of it. They were sitting in the darkened family room, together on the couch as the big screen TV glowed in front of them. It was pretty late at night but it was the weekend and he wasn’t at home so Castiel didn’t have to worry about abiding by his normal curfew. The credits of the movie were rolling and the boys were talking with one another. 

The movie ended and they continued to sit in the dark room and talk with one another. It was mostly innocuous conversation. Somehow the conversation moved in a direction where Thomas asked Castiel if he’d ever had a girlfriend before. Castiel started shaking his head before he even spoke, “No, I’ve never dated anyone. I don’t really have the time, I’m focusing on my studies right now.”

Thomas nodded thoughtfully. Castiel felt compelled to reciprocate the question. Thomas answered right away, shaking his head no. “No, I've never dated anyone. Never met anyone I wanted to before. At least not until recently,” He added the last sentence onto the end of what he was saying and his voice seemed to drop an octave. Castiel was intrigued nonetheless. Castiel wasn’t one to engage in gossip normally, but he also was just curious about who his friend might be crushing on. Again, Castiel felt a pang of envy about public school, where you could actually meet more people. 

“Well who is she,” Castiel questioned slightly teasingly, taking delight in the way his friend seemed to squirm beside him. 

“I don’t want to say Castiel, it doesn’t matter anyways. They definitely don’t feel the same way.” Castiel frowned in response, feeling bad for his friend and no longer wanting to tease.

“Well have you talked to her? I think you need to at least let her know your feelings so you can be sure of it.”

Thomas looked thoughtful upon hearing Castiel’s advice. Castiel felt a little out of his depth, it’s not like he was a wellspring of romantic advice based on his zero experience with dating. But he stood by his words, it seemed like Thomas shouldn’t just give up without even trying to let the girl know how he felt. 

There was a moment of silence that hung in the air. It felt thick all of a sudden, there was this tension in the air and Castiel didn’t know how to react. Thomas was looking down at his lap and then suddenly his eyes were back up and meeting Castiel’s with an intensity that was new. It came out of nowhere, at least that’s what it felt like to Castiel. One moment he was staring into the eyes of his best friend and suddenly those eyes were gone and his best friend was kissing him. Their lips only met for a few seconds before Thomas pulled away, Castiel was still, quietly processing what had just occurred. 

“It’s you Castiel, I’m sorry.” Castiel could only stare ahead at his friend who’s expression was scared. This was his first kiss. It was with a boy. It was with his friend. It was wrong. It was a sin. He wanted to do it again. Why the fuck did he want to kiss his friend who was a boy? 

Castiel still hadn’t spoken. Thomas shifted in front of him with unease. “I understand if you want to leave. I’m really sorry. Please don’t tell anyone.” Thomas’ voice took on a pleading note at the end. It hurt Castiel to see his friend sad. Maybe it was the sadness in his friend’s expression that spurred him on? Maybe it was the brief but lingering memory of the feeling of Thomas’ lips on his own? Castiel suddenly had this spontaneous urge to experience the sensation again, he needed it. In that moment his mind was devoid of what the bible said about what he was doing, what God would think of him, what his parents would do if they found out. His only thought was Thomas’ soft full lips against his own. 

Castiel threw himself forward, perhaps with more force than was necessary. His hands flew up and he caught Thomas’ face between them, holding him as their lips touched in a shy and tentative kiss. Neither of them had done this before. It felt incredible, it felt kind of awkward. Castiel never wanted to stop. They broke apart for a moment to stare incredulously into one another's eyes. Both of them appeared to be equally as shocked by what was happening. 

Thomas eventually spoke first, “You kissed me back?” His tone was one of almost disbelief. 

“Yeah…” Castiel responded feeling confused by what his body was feeling. 

“Are you freaking out?” Thomas questioned.

Castiel ignored him, instead asking another question. “Are you a homosexual?”

Thomas stared at him blankly for a second,” No. Maybe. I don’t know.”

“It’s a sin,” Castiel stated in a matter of fact voice. It was almost as if he was trying to remind himself. 

“Lot’s of things are a sin, Castiel. Last I noticed you’re wearing a shirt made of mixed fabrics.” Silence lingered in the air, Castiel breathed in heavily. 

“I liked kissing you. I think I want to do it again.” Castiel said as their eyes met once again. 

“Then do it,” Thomas challenged. Castiel wasted no time in crashing back into his best friend. This time with a new intensity. Neither of them knew what they were doing but when Thomas’ tongue nudged against his lips, Castiel couldn’t help but open his mouth. A moan escaped from him as his friend’s tongue covered his own. 

As they kissed, Thomas began to push Castiel down onto the couch, and Castiel let himself fall backwards until Thomas was on top of him, their lips still connected. This was Castiel’s first time giving into the temptation of sin. It felt bad, he knew what they were doing was wrong. But all the while they kissed and their hands explored each other’s bodies his heart was singing. It felt incredible. It felt amazing. He just had to wonder if this feeling was worth eternal damnation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is unedited (besides my own quick cursory read for grammar) due to my editor having a family emergency. Feel free to let me know if there are any glaring mistakes. Thanks! Please feel free to leave a kudos and/or a comment, it's always appreciated. 
> 
> \- FOR


	3. Work Study

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel's P.O.V.
> 
> CW: Religious-based homophobia, f* slur (in reference to one's self). 
> 
> Be safe and take care.

Castiel stared down at the smattering of food on his plate. It was early in the morning and he hadn’t felt particularly motivated to come down to the dining hall for breakfast but a voice in the back of his head chided him and so he forced himself out of bed. He put little thought into the food he’d placed on his plate as he wandered around the spacious dining hall. Now looking down at his plate, Castiel saw that he had grabbed a small scoop of scrambled eggs but they looked kind of runny and wholly unappetizing. He pushed the eggs off to the side, and instead forced a few pieces of a fruit salad into his mouth. He ate half of the yogurt cup he’d grabbed and a few bites of toast and butter. Besides that, he couldn’t stomach another bite. He didn’t feel hungry and decided to go clear his plate and get on with his day. 

It was a big day for Castiel, it was finally Saturday, which meant this was the first day of his work study job. Apparently, based on his family’s financial status, Castiel qualified for a work study job which would provide him with a small amount of spending money. In an email Castiel was sent at the start of the semester, he learned that his job would be working in an office called Student Support Services, where they worked to provide resources and accommodations to students on campus with disabilities. From what his supervisor had communicated to him over email, it was a fairly easy job that mostly consisted of answering emails, phone calls, and helping the occasional person who came into the office get where they needed to go. 

Castiel packed his backpack with a few of his books and some of the assignments he already had from his first week of classes. He didn’t know if he would have any free time at his job, but he wanted to be prepared just in case. He made his way across campus, enjoying the gentle spring breeze and the warmth of the sunlight that was peeking between a few clouds. Campus wasn’t as busy on the weekend as it was during the week. During the week when classes were in session there was a constant stream of students one had to bob and weave through as they traversed the center of campus. But this Saturday morning the campus was quiet, save for a few people heading in the direction of the student center or the library. 

Castiel was following the directions that his supervisor had emailed to him, he walked across campus, passing by the senior dorms and the student center before crossing the street to the newly renovated building that held several different offices. Once he entered the building he passed through two different sets of doors until he saw a sign on the wall indicating that he was in the correct place. Castiel pushed through the final set of doors and stepped into what was a pretty standard looking office. There was a large front desk area directly in front of him, with a sizable waiting area off to the side. Behind the front desk was a long hallway with many doors to what must be a bunch of different offices. 

As soon as he stepped in the room, the man sitting behind the desk looked up at him and met his eyes with a smile. The man had vibrant green eyes which juxtaposed the smattering of freckles that littered the bridge of his nose. The man spoke and Castiel marveled at the deep timber of his voice. “Hey there pal,” the man quipped in a convivial tone. “You wouldn’t happen to be Castiel would you? Am I pronouncing that right?” The man wondered. 

“I-yes-I am Castiel. Yes, that is the correct pronunciation of my name.”

“Welcome to the team Castiel! My name is Dean. Gavin, our supervisor, isn’t here on the weekends, but he told me you would be starting today and so you get the pleasure of me giving you the rundown of this place.” 

Castiel felt slightly overwhelmed by Dean’s warm and cheery nature, but he seemed friendly which he supposed was better than the alternative. Castiel followed Dean’s directive to set his backpack down at one of the chairs behind the receptionist’s desk and followed him around as he gave a tour of the place. He led him down the hallway and explained all the different offices, he pointed out where the bathroom was, and then they arrived back at the front desk. 

“So this is pretty much where we hang out. It’s a pretty chill job. We just have to be here to answer any phone calls that come in and check the email a few times a day and respond to people’s questions on there. On weekends it’s pretty much dead, but I get a ton of school work done during this time and I get paid for it so I’m not complaining. During the week it’s a little more busy but there’s still plenty of down time. It’s definitely one of the best jobs on campus, and I’m not just saying that because you get to work with me,” Dean said laughing loudly as he patted Castiel on the shoulder. Castiel gave a small smile in return. 

The two men sat down and Castiel paid rapt attention as Dean continued to explain how everything worked. The two were crowded in close to one another as Dean showed him the computer system, how to clock in and out of work, how to answer emails, and how to look up information in the directory. Once Dean was finished explaining everything he rolled his chair further away but remained facing Castiel. 

“So are you a transfer student Castiel?” Dean asked.

Castiel felt a wave of shame wash over him at the question. He was starting school a semester late, and it was his own fault. He felt embarrassed. “Um no, this is actually my first semester of college. I just started a semester late.”

Dean nodded in understanding, “Everything in its own time, no shame in that. How are you liking it here?”

Castiel felt more comfortable with this question. “I am liking it so far. My classes seem to be alright, even if they are quite a bit of work already.”

“College will kick your ass alright, it’s so much more work than high school. But once you get used to it and get into a rhythm it gets better. I’m a sophomore and I feel like I’m just starting to figure all this shit out.” 

Castiel nodded solemnly, “That’s good to know.”

The two made easy conversation for the remainder of their shift, with Dean doing most of the talking. Castiel would answer Dean’s questions, but aside from that he offered little. Dean didn’t seem to mind though, he was happy to talk about anything and everything. As their five hour shift came to an end, the two left the building together. “I see you’re scheduled to work with me on Tuesday so I’ll see you then, have a good one Castiel,” Dean said as he parted with a wave and headed in the direction of the student center. 

“Bye Dean,” Castiel said quietly with a wave as he turned away from the other man and began the short trek back to his own dorm room. As Castiel made his way across campus a light drizzle of rain began to fall and he was suddenly overcome with the desire to be anyplace other than his small and lonely dorm room. 

It was then that he recalled the shortcut a classmate had offered to him the other day, a way to get to the lecture hall more quickly by cutting through the fine arts building. It was the building where all the art classes were and it also held a small art museum. It was also where all the music rooms were located and Castiel had been intrigued by a few signs he saw about the piano practice rooms. 

His curiosity was piqued as he wandered in the direction of the fine arts building. He shuffled into the building, thankful to be out of the rain. Then he began looking around at the various signs adorned on the wall detailing which rooms were in which direction. He followed the signs down a long narrow hallway until he saw a row of four doorways, all of them open. Each one led to a small room that held a piano. All of the rooms were empty and he didn’t see anyone around so Castiel let himself into one of the rooms. 

Castiel felt a small smile play on his lips as he sat down and ghosted his fingers over the ivory keys. Music was a happy place for him. He had so many vivid and warm memories of his mother playing songs for him and eventually diligently teaching him how to play. He slowly played the first few notes of Beethoven’s 6th Symphony, the fourth and fifth movements of the piece were his mother’s favorite. A complex work to play, Castiel had put many hours into trying to learn the piece. However, it had been many months since his fingers had touched the keys of a piano and he could only recall the first few lines of the piece by memory anymore. 

Instead, his mind drifted to some of the other, more simplistic songs he knew how to play. The first few notes of the last chorus of St. Matthew’s Passion by Bach, another one of his mother’s favorites. She loved the way the music seemed to possess and convey the story of Christ’s death upon the cross. His mother was always haunted by the way the music brought forth the feelings of suffering Christ must have felt in those final hours of his life. In a similar manner, Castiel could feel that sense of fear and suffering in his bones as he clumsily played the notes of the song he could recall from memory. 

It wasn’t until he’d finished playing the final chorus through, that he realized there were tears streaming down his face. He reached up and felt the tears on his cheeks, almost astonished to feel them there. This wasn’t something he was supposed to do, he didn’t cry anymore. He abruptly stood from the piano bench and hastily wiped roughly at his face with his shirt sleeve. “Stop, stop, stop,” he muttered sternly to himself as though he were admonishing an unruly child. “Don’t be a faggot,” He muttered angrily. He was angry at himself, as though his body were betraying him with emotion. There was no room in his life for these emotions, they were what led to trouble in the first place. He was better than that now. He was more in control of himself. 

Castiel stormed out of the small practice room and almost ran directly into a small red-headed girl who was walking toward him. “Watch out there pal,” the girl said as she side-stepped him. 

Castiel muttered a quick, “sorry,” before speeding down the hallway and back out into the light rain that persisted. He ran through the rain, clutching onto his backpack tightly and practically threw himself into his dorm room. He dropped his backpack onto the ground and slumped down onto the desk chair before pulling out his worn copy of the King James bible. The very one that had been gifted to him on his thirteenth birthday. The inside of the front cover was transcribed with a passage from his father, a message about the value and importance of faith. Castiel opened the book to a dog-eared page and began reading. He took in the words on the page and let all other thoughts slip from his mind. This was all he needed to remain on the path of righteousness. As long as he had the words of the gospel he could hold steady on his path and win the glory of heaven for himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If so inclined, please leave a kudos and/or a comment. They're always appreciated. 
> 
> \- FOR


	4. Starry Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Castiel's P.O.V.
> 
> CW: Mentions of gay conversion therapy, internalized homophobia. 
> 
> Be safe and take care.

The starry skies above their head were awe-inducing. Castiel's eyes moved quickly across the night sky, identifying the few constellations he knew and pointing them out to Thomas, who lay beside him. The two boys were lying comfortably on a blanket in the field out behind Thomas’ house. The only light visible from here was the porch light coming from the house in the distance. But other than that, the two boys were alone, save for the sounds of the cicadas and the occasional buzz of a mosquito. May in Kansas was when the warmth of summer began to arrive, and although the night air held a chill, the two boys were happy to cuddle close together for warmth. 

“See that star right there, that’s Altair,” Castiel said as he guided Thomas’ hand to the right position. “See how the top portion forms a shallow, inverted V, and then the two lines descend on either side. This is the constellation, Aquila, which is latin for eagle. The point and the two lines are meant to represent the head and body of an eagle. Aquila was actually the eagle that, according to Greek mythology, bore Ganymede, better known as Aquarius, up to Mt. Olympus.” 

Thomas pulled his hand out of Castiel’s and rolled onto his side so he could look at the other boy. Thomas smiled and shook his head, “You’re such a fucking nerd sometimes, Castiel. Are you aware of this?”

Castiel shoved Thomas lightly on the shoulder, his face feigning anger, although a small smile on his lips betrayed him. “I thought you liked all of my stupid, random facts?” Castiel asked. 

Thomas rolled over swiftly and held his body so he was hovering above the other boy. He lowered himself so he could speak quietly into Castiel’s ear. “I didn’t say it was a bad thing to be a fucking nerd, Cas. In fact, it’s kind of sexy to me and I definitely wouldn't want you to change.” 

Castiel couldn’t help but blush at the other boy’s words, he felt the warmth of it creeping up his cheeks and he was grateful for the cover of night. Thomas always made fun of him for blushing so much, but it was something Castiel couldn’t help about himself. No one had ever thought of him as sexy before and it still felt weird to hear sometimes, even if it also felt really good. 

Thomas lowered himself down ever so slightly, so that their bodies were just barely touching. Castiel felt like he might forget how to breathe. Thomas’ lips ghosted along the edge of Castiel’s cheek, trailing from his ear down to his chin. Thomas breathed warmly against Castiel’s lips, “you didn’t shave this morning,” he observed quietly. 

Castiel heard his words but felt distracted. “I was distracted this morning. A cute boy wouldn’t stop sending me shirtless pictures.” Castiel could feel Thomas smile against his lips as they barely touched. 

“This boy sounds like an asshole.” Thomas muttered. 

“He is sometimes. But he makes up for it with his good looks.” Castiel responded quietly. 

“You think I’m good looking,” Thomas teased?

“Oh shut up,” Castiel muttered, feeling a tension rising up inside of him. 

“Make me.” Thomas retorted. 

Castiel’s hands flew practically at the speed of sound as he brought his arms up, wrapped them around the other boy’s neck, and pulled him down into a kiss. As soon as their lips touched, Castiel felt all the tension in his body slip away as he fell into the other boy’s embrace. Castiel couldn’t help the sounds that escaped his mouth as he felt the other boys fingers carding through his hair, pulling gently. Thomas was on top and used his upper hand to his advantage, grinding his hips down onto the other boy’s already hardening erection. Castiel was wan to resist the urge to buck his hips back up into Thomas’. 

The two boys had done plenty of making out in the month since they’d first kissed. However, in that time, hands had hardly traveled south of the border. Castiel got the feeling that Thomas was eager for this to happen but was trying to be respectful of his hesitancy around their relationship at all. This was a dizzying prospect for Castiel as he hardly ever even masturbated, as he knew it to be a sin. It was a sin that he had guiltily taken pleasure in from time to time since his early teenage years. But he would try his best to go long stretches of time without touching himself, trying his best to enact self control. Inevitably, he’d awake in the middle of the night or in the morning with a painful erection and have to relieve himself. 

He had never wanted before. He had never wanted to dive into the sins of the flesh. His mind was awash with what it would mean, he would be breaking his future marriage vows to his wife if he didn’t save himself until marriage. But that was the future, a far away time that hardly concerned him in the moment when such pleasure was alive within him, urgent and unassailable. So when Thomas slyly popped open the top button of Castiel’s jeans, his hand hesitating and their kiss pausing for just a moment as he waited for consent to continue. Castiel’s mind emptied of every single thought that wasn’t salient to the here and now. There was only Thomas and his lips and hands and the gasps of breath and the marvelous ball of tension within that slowly unwound as the minutes passed by.

Castiel was alarmed for a brief moment when he first felt Thomas take him in his mouth. But the alarm faded quickly as Castiel let out an obscene sound of pleasure that echoed out into the night and joined in with the cicadas for a brief moment in what was a great symphony. Castiel’s eyes moved from the stars, to the light off in the distance, until he finally looked down at Thomas and what the other boy was doing to him. Castiel felt as though he was hardly coherent as he tried to give a warning of what was about to happen, he tugged sharply at Thomas’ shaggy, dirty blonde hair. Thomas seemed to pay him no mind and continued his movements. Castiel let out several panting breaths as he finally came, luxuriating in the warm wetness of the other boy's mouth as his orgasm tore through him. 

The next thing Castiel was aware of was Thomas appearing in front of him, his smug grin just barely visible in the darkness. Castiel was enamored by that smile. He was enamored with the boy who was on top of him, trailing gentle kisses against the just barely there stubble on his chin. Finally, Thomas captured Castiel’s lips with his own, in what was a slow, wet, and salty kiss. Castiel could taste himself on the other boy’s lips and it felt so dirty. But the dirtiness was enticing, it turned him on far more than it probably should have. But those feelings summed up this entire relationship so far, or whatever it was they were doing. It felt good and both boys were just following where that goodness led. 

They lazed the night away, languidly making out under the stars. Hands exploring, lips exploring, feeling it all. There were no doubts or worries on either of their minds. They were alone in the universe, and in their loneliness it was safe to be two boys who kissed. Two boys who looked at the stars and held hands. They could get lost in the sounds of nature around them, quiet and melodic, their hearts beating in time to the breath of the world. Worries were a distant memory. Sin was a myth. The only thing that mattered in that moment was the other person. 

Castiel thought back on this night often. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Castiel hurried down the stairs from his room. His mom had called him for dinner and after a day of studying, Castiel was starving. He didn’t know what his mom had made for dinner but he never cared, her cooking was always delicious. Castiel breezed into the kitchen, his mom looked over at him from where she stood at the stove with a warm smile. 

“Can you set the table for me sweetie?”

Castiel nodded with a smile of his own. “Of course,” he replied as he opened up the drawer and took out the silverware. “Are Anna and Gabriel here?” Castiel asked, wondering if he needed to get silverware for them as well.

“No, they’re over at the Smith’s house, they won’t be back until later tonight.” His younger siblings would sometimes do their homeschool days over at a friend’s house, since Mrs. Smith used to be a teacher. 

Castiel went to work setting out three plates, one for each of his parents and himself and then the silverware. “What did you make for dinner, mom?”

“Beef stroganoff, your father’s favorite.”

“He’ll be happy about that,” Castiel replied. It was just a moment later that his father walked in the door, home from his day of work at the church. His father always spent the week preparing for the following weekend’s sermon, counseling people who needed it, and keeping up maintenance on the church. It was a small operation and his father did almost all of it. Castiel admired his father’s dedication and wanted nothing more than to show the same dedication to his faith and community one day. 

His father walked into the kitchen with a warm smile on his face and a kiss for his mom. The three of them traded small talk and asked after each other’s day as they waited just a few minutes more for dinner to be done. Finally, the three of them sat down for dinner. Immediately they joined hands as his father blessed the meal. Once they had said ‘amen’, his father served them all up a plate. 

Castiel was mostly quiet as he ate, listening as his parents traded conversation about this and that. He was largely checked out, instead thinking about Thomas and when he would get to see the other boy next. It had been a few days since their night under the stars and Castiel couldn’t help but crave more of that. The blissful ease of existence under the stars with Thomas by his side was captivating. Even now, a few days later, the memory evoked in him this unfamiliar, but deeply welcomed state of comfort and safety. Castiel was beginning to recognize what this feeling was. It was a feeling born out of vulnerability and openness, something he had completely with Thomas. There were no pretenses between them. 

“--he’s battling these feelings of same-sex attraction. It’s really challenging for them but their faith is strong. He’s a good kid so I don’t see the need to condemn him. The place they’re sending him has a great reputation and I know the whole family is dedicated to saving his soul. All we can do is pray for them and offer support.” Castiel’s attention snapped back into the conversation as soon as he realized what his father was talking about. 

“Castiel,” his father called, gaining his attention. 

“Yeah,” Castiel said, looking up to meet his father’s eyes. 

“Be sure to add the Green’s to your prayers tonight. I’m sure you heard about Jimmy.” Castiel could only nod, as a feeling of numbness crept up through his body. 

Castiel had to clear his throat briefly before he could speak. “Yes, of course. It’s so sad about what he’s going through.”

Both his parents nodded solemnly. Castiel wanted to crawl out of his skin. Jimmy was two years younger than him, he went to the baptist church two towns over so he didn’t know him very well. But occasionally the churches would get together for larger meetings or the occasional tent revival and they’d speak a few words to one another. He was a sweet kid, shy and mild mannered. His parents had mentioned what the family was going through a few days ago but Castiel hadn’t heard about them sending him away.   
“It’s sad, but in life we are given trials and tribulations to go through. Thankfully, through Christ, we have the power to overcome those obstacles. They are a good family, true believers. The center they’re sending him to has an excellent reputation for healing the sin of same-sex attraction.”

Castiel gave a small nod and was happy when the conversation naturally drifted in another direction. But fear still gripped him. What he was doing was wrong. It was a horrible sin, clearly laid out in the bible as such. But why did it feel so natural? Why did it feel so good? Castiel was a good Christian, his faith was firm and resolute. Was this some kind of test? Was the devil tempting him with lust? If he was, then Castiel was failing. He was failing miserably, because even as his mind raced with thoughts of sin and condemnation, his heart wanted. He wanted so badly and so strongly. 

But he knew it needed to stop. He wasn’t so far into temptation that he couldn’t walk away. He was a believer in Christ and through him, all things were possible. He could right this thing and affirm his place on the path of righteousness. He tried to make himself believe this to be true, even as his heart raced with thoughts of what Thomas had done to him the other night. The physical pleasure Thomas gave him was profound. But Castiel’s heart ached for the simple act of pointing out constellations and laughing at Thomas’ brash sense of humor. Castiel had never felt such things before. They were such good things but he supposed they were wrong.   
It hurt his head to think about it all, so he simply shoved those thoughts away. He would be strong another day because he knew his phone was upstairs waiting and Thomas had probably messaged him. Castiel quickly cleaned his plate and excused himself from the dinner table to go and see. And as he smiled down at the screen of his phone, taking in the silly faced selfie Thomas had sent him, a part of him didn’t want to believe that this was bad. Because this felt an awful lot like love and Castiel was confused as to how that could ever be a bad thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the continued love and support. Updates should be a bit more frequent now as I am done for the semester. 
> 
> If you care to, you may find me on tumblr at frightenedofrabbits.tumblr.com. 
> 
> \- FOR


End file.
